The next question on 19 June 1985 was from Kitty. She said that she had been trying to see her impatience at home, and had found that it was “totality subjective and has nothing to do with the people that I have been impatient with,” those people being her children.
“They wouldn’t agree with you of course,” said Mr Adie.
Kitty did not agree, however, she averred that it was not related to them.
“They feel that it has to do with them,” repeated Mr Adie.
“Yes,” Kitty agreed, “but it’s not related to them really.”
“Are you certain?” asked Mr Adie. “Are you certain that it is not related to them in the way that you do it? You don’t see the relation, but you have a subjective pattern which you follow.”
After a pause, Mr Adie continued: “It is actually also related to them, and it would be very interesting to find out what that relation is. I never know what my real relation is, but then, what is it, if I don’t know it? A relationship can hardly exist if I don’t know it, can it? It exists if I know it; but it’s only a philosophy if I don’t know it.”
Let me just pause to say how profound this is. It is something that I have been becoming more aware of recently, how although the root negative emotion is in me, not the others, yet the manifestation is conditioned by those on whom something in me is taking it out. For example, something in me is more likely to complain to this person, not to that person. Something in me is more likely to be merciful to this person, not the other. In life we see how widespread this: how many men I have known are endlessly indulgent to attractive women, but inclined to snap at men or women whom they don’t find so good looking. In a word, Mr Adie is correct: there is insufficient external consideration of others, and this is, to a significant extent, a function of our subjective patterns.
Mr Adie’s reference to the attitude she was expressing as a “philosophy” is also deep. “Philosophically”, so to speak, Kitty can say to herself that her negative emotions are all in herself, and have nothing to do with her children. But practically, in fact, the form of manifestations, their intensity, frequency and manner, do very much depend upon the fact that it is her children: she wouldn’t speak the same way to her husband, or the Prime Minister were he standing in front of her. This is why I think that perhaps the most important aspect of this exchange is not allowing ourselves to be deluded by our own philosophy and so missing the reality of our manifestations in reality.
To return to this exchange, Kitty said that she found her negative emotions were always connected to tension in herself.Mr Adie agreed with that, and commended her for that. Kitty added: “I have found that I have been able to see it quite often and let it go then, and it stops quick, it’s a quick answer that’s going to come.”
“That’s very important,” said Mr Adie, “you can begin to see the rising up and you can check it. You actually see it form do you?”
“Yes, I see it coming.”
“But do you actually see it form, and you are able to prevent its voicing itself? It’s a very dramatic situation.”
“Do you feel it as a drama?”
“Well, that’s good. Then you feel some force from it?”
“Yes. I think what strikes me most about it, is that it is so un-necessary, and it just shouldn’t really be that impatient.”
“No, of course not, and all sorts of other things: sometimes it’s terrifyingly painful and harmful, as others have been saying. So continue.”
“See, what is the fact? Supposing I see an impulse arising in me, I see it and check it. Now, what does that leave me? If I am not there, I’m just at the mercy of anything again. So, I learn that I have to be there more or less. Maybe that occasion when I saw it was accident. But I can’t depend on accident, so what am I doing to try and be present to that kind of process?”
“It’s real constructive work and it seems you’ve started that work and now you have to become a craftswoman in that work.”
“Become a craftswoman in that work. See, it’s like a piece of wood, why does a carpenter make a mess of it? It’s because they don’t examine it before they start. They don’t see that it has a weakness here, or that the grain changes there, and when they try and make a cut it goes wrong, because they have not taken that feature into account. So very careful do that first and then to observe and see if it works, or if it becomes unstuck. A craftsman looks at it first, and you have to become a craftsman in this work, otherwise I’m just naive and I tumble into it again.”
“You have certain material, you need to go over the material more, more demanding in a way, you’re trying to be practical. Then try to be very practical, and see. How can you possibly avoid it? Not if you wish to grow in being. In one way you don’t want to avoid it, you need to see it. But you are seeing it already, so that’s something, isn’t it?”
“Now, you can see that you want to see it. But see it earlier, see it earlier, then I see, well, because of this state; if this state were changed, it wouldn’t start. This takes you into repairing the past. Repairing of the past, those tendencies I know are within, and I wish to make passive. And this is the value that everything is recorded somewhere, because if I do get into a real balanced state with a sincere wish, the past will return.”
“Repairing the past” is an absolutely critical practical concept. I have dealt with that at length, elsewhere. It was a theme to which Mr Adie return time and again.
Joseph Azize, 9 August 2019