Hans said:   I find that a small movement is sometimes not enough, apparently not enough in my case. Um, not that—

Mr Adie:   Just a moment. Uh, can we give an example of when it’s not enough?

Hans:    I’ll describe a specific instance, but it does apply to many.

Mr Adie:   Yes, yes, I know, but I was trying to take it to something more specifc, clearer. But go on.

Hans:   Last week coming home from work, my truck broke down, it started to make very bad noises on the Sydney Harbour Bridge. And I’d had some previous problems with it, and I knew what it was, and I knew it was fairly serious, and then the normal thoughts of what happens when you break down there, when you can’t get home, and all the things I had to do. It took me hours to get home, as it turned out, and it’s this certain state that I get in, a sort of tenseness— it’s not that everything becomes automatic. I’m even to some extent aware of it.

Mr Adie:   It’s very uncomfortable, I think, if half of Sydney is held up behind you. Yes.

Hans:     Yes, unpleasant. But this state has also occurred when it’s not quite so unpleasant. It’s a tenseness which I am aware of sometimes. In this particular instance, because it lasted so long, I was aware of it for quite a lot, off and on, more or less a few hours, I think. In that particular state sometimes I’ve got some very small degree of self-remembering.

Mr Adie:   What happened then?

Hans: :   Nothing. All I can recall is that I have just a view of myself in that state. And that is why I mean that this small movement that is sometimes possible here, under those conditions and similar conditions, I— it’s either not available to me or—

Mr Adie:   Well, no, I mean, you’re in a special, especially awkward situation, and you wouldn’t hardly expect it, would you? That’s an unreasonable expectation— anything could happen. I could receive showers of unseen flowers, marvellous perfumes which other people didn’t see, I could receive, but I can’t expect that sort of thing.

The most I can expect is to be perhaps a little bit more reasonable than I otherwise would be, not quite so jumpy. I can’t help reacting. I’ve got people hooting, I’ve got thoughts, am I going to get to the end or not? All sorts of thoughts going, of course they will come. I’ve got to pay attention; I’ve got to give extra thought to get this labouring engine to somewhere. I’m concerned; I can’t expect to be perfectly unmoved with all that there, but something may happen to give a kind of reminder inside, and then a tiny movement is possible, but that’s the moment for the account.

It is possible that a small movement in fact, takes place. It doesn’t come on its own. I am able to make it. It becomes again as a response. And I’m bound to react to all these powerful influences around me. I can’t help it.

Hans:    It seems to be something that comes up quite a lot. I don’t bring it up.

Mr Adie:   I agree. It comes up all the time, but not in quite such a heightened form.

Hans:   I think really there is something that I don’t understand. I’m only at the beginning.

Mr Adie:   You certainly are at the beginning, and you’ve glimpsed behind the curtain several times. As we were saying earlir, I come up, but I haven’t quite got what it takes at that second, and so it takes me, but then suddenly, one marvellous time I will remember. And then I have proved that it’s true once, and then another time, and then so on. I go back and I think to myself, by truthfully trying to go back, ‘What moment was I really there?’ And I can just remember without any doubt getting the mud on my hand as I felt the hub cap or some silly thing like that, or when I spoke. Those are moments when I was there. But the rest is a sort of general picture of suffering and misery and who knows what. And those are the moments when I’m nearest to my recollection, when it’s not impossible.

Hans:    But in this case, from that point of view, I was there much more often during that period than I probably would have been if I’d just been driving home.

Mr Adie:   Yes, I dare say so. It isn’t impossible. You are nearer to it. This is the whole thing. But I expect— and my expectation will tend to prevent it taking place.

Hans:   What I expect, I think, is something that is, uh, beyond or above this type of fixation.

Mr Adie:   Yes, but it’s in it, it permeates the fixation. It actually takes place and then there’s the inner movement. It is above, of course, and at an incredibly fast speed which I don’t recognise, so that it can quite easily take place and I pass over it. In fact, it’s taking place, you might say, almost ceaselessly at an incredibly fast speed, but I don’t notice it because I’m not living at that speed.

We’re trying to learn to make space, and when we’re not entirely engrossed, then the centres which are in us already, and working but disconnected, for a moment become connected. The higher centre works for one flash, that’s all. It takes a very long time until that really sinks in, that yes, this is what they were talking about, what I was talking about, this is what I read about and heard about. Just this.

Take breath: how much I really understand about the breath of life that I get? and I’ve been breathing all my life. And I understand nothing about it. So, it’s not surprising that I don’t understand about these higher impressions with their terrific effect. It’s something which is going to be there while everything else can be there too. Then if I can respond means that I get the next impression for a moment or two. But already something in me will recognise a change, not feel where they are, start wanting, and then it’s gone. But there’s another one almost immediately available if I only regain my balance. It’s the best I can do. It’s very practical though.

Yes, a large lorry on Sydney Harbour Bridge about to stall in the rush hour is not a very peaceful moment, of course; but a very good opportunity. The interesting thing is, we depend on everything from outside, but what we do is blame everything outside. It doesn’t really matter what kind of impressions I get, as long as I get them. I mean, here was rich food for you. You could hardly contrive better without any real physical harm. And then I put all the emphasis there instead of the one place I forget, because all that’s going to solve itself. I think I’ve got to be careful, and not at all. I’ve just got to be reasonable, if I could. But that attitude is so foreign to me. I seek this attitude, this practical attitude of being available, being a little bit sane. And everything’s got to go on, of course.